posted Sept. 6, 2012
Over the years, I've watched the changes that have come about in, around and for the TGBL (aka GNC [Gender Non-Conforming]) community. We've gone from having to hide our sexual orientations (and when it comes to transgenders, we'd damn sure better be "passable") to avoid severe repercussions and consequences, to being able to publicly express ourselves [especially in large cities] without too much trouble. We've gone from this hiding, to having more and more representation in the media. Other advances for the LGB portion of the acronym have been open service in the military and now they appear closer than ever to the possibility of marriage equality (everyone agrees it's just a matter of time, as this is legal in more and more states).
But now, with regard to that "marriage equality/civil union/relationship" thing, what is going on with the trans community? I'm always hearing fellas who claim trans-attraction wondering, "Where is there a good transwoman for me? I'd like a 'wifey'. ", but how many of them are stepping up and openly expressing their desire and attraction for transwomen?
From what I hear all the time, they require the transwoman they would want "to be seen with" must be 'passable' (but I know few who actually openly date or develop long term commitments; they will however, come by to "spend the night"). I often wonder if this is because many of these men identify as bisexual, so they want to "keep their options open", and so don't want it known that they date or are attracted to transwomen. I do know that many of these men don't have a problem with being known to objectify transwomen and being categorized as "chasers" (playas)... some actually brag about it.
I've also heard "I don't want a hustlin' transwoman, or an escort...too many transwomen are just hustlers...", of course without taking into consideration the continued societal refusal to employ us, which is the underlying factor that results in so many of us being chronically unemployed. Will they ever suspend this judgment and get with a woman ready to "square up", when there's a mutual attraction, perhaps helping her while she does? Hmmm, I've known this to happen on only a couple of occasions to my personal knowledge. But these same men will expect a transwoman (employed or not) to accept them as they are, employed or not...she's suppose to want them in her space "just because" (sometimes even living with her).
I think it's pretty sad that gay and lesbian commitments/relationships are so commonly long term now that they can make a case for marriage equality (and adoption in the instances they want a family [other than a pet]), while the same type of commitment for transwomen and the men who claim 'trans-attraction' is rare...don't the trans-attracted realize that the more they stand up to the challenge of committing to us "special women", the more willing and able we'll be to fill the bill of being "the one" for them? The more this takes place, the less "odd" it will seem to the broader community and better accepted [as with the case of gays and lesbians]. The bottom line is, "when the rubber meets the road", if you want a good transwoman, you gotta stand up and be willing to be a good trans-attracted man.
Amen....so borrowing this post!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Monica, you know you are sooo welcome to it...
DeleteI have to say, I'm a trans-attracted woman. I have a transwoman as my long term partner "wifey" and if gay marriage becomes legal in Michigan you better believe I will put a ring on her finger. She walks our kids to school and I'm proud of her, even if she isn't "passable" yet. She is beautiful to me, and I promise you I will make every person I know of stand up and say they support the trans community!
ReplyDeleteCheryl, I've been there and done that. And yes I even had a serious relationship with a trans-woman who started out (and finished unfortunately) as an escort. That path was filled with a ton of disappointments. While it took me a while to (transition), to get my head right and step up, she refused to evolve. Even with the full support of myself and both of our families. This was a 7 + year relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lot of brothers want is a woman able to evolve and better herself with our full support. But some get caught in a destructive life cycle that only they can rescue themselves from.
My brother I can totally sympathize with you. Unfortunately what you say about the "destructive life cycle" is entirely true. I don't know what the particulars of your situation may have been, but it's sad that it should have happened as it did; this type of thing can reflect on the community as a whole...but by the same token, we all know that even so-called "every day relationships" can be a crap shoot with regard to longevity (just check the divorce rates of cis-folk).
DeleteIt would appear that you are a 'find'; don't give up, keep standin' up and PLEASE influence another brother or two...there ARE some righteous transwomen out here keepin' theirs eyes open for a mate. I think there are very few people that actually want to spend life solo...just my opinion.
Stepping up and influencing others is a part of my mission in life. I KNOW there are many trans-women of quality. The problem is most are (were) to far away. But you have got to step out of your box if you want more.
ReplyDeleteTroy from one trans attracted brother to another, thanks for your thoughtful responses. Help me to understand what you mean by stepping out the box if you want more.
DeleteThank you my sister for your article.
ReplyDelete